Clark Hickerson: My Comeback Story of a Lifetime
My name is Clark Hickerson, I am 28 years old and I almost completed suicide at age 25. On October 6th, 2020, after a three month long bout with anxiety from work, relationship, and COVID, I had a 20 minute conversation with a psychiatrist I found on the internet. My therapist had told me a week prior that she could only help change my thought process and that she thought it was time I explored medicines. This psychiatrist was the only one that could see me so quickly. After a 20 minute conversation, a conversation that began while I was trying to drive to meet him because I thought I screwed up the location, he prescribed me trazadone to help me sleep and sertraline for the anxiety. He said I had generalized anxiety. It was way worse than that. He ended the conversation and I sat in my room for 20 minutes worried that I had not expressed myself enough for him to accurately prescribe me.
My then fiancé assured me that it was just me second guessing myself like I had been doing the past three months. After talking with my mom and fiancé, we decided it was worth a shot because something needed to change, quickly. Four days later, October 10th, 2020, around 9 AM, I somehow had made it to the roof and jumped. I fell 60 feet. Despite a power line slowing me down, I landed on my feet. Fell to my left side. Thankfully my left elbow kept my head from hitting the concrete or else I would not be able to type this message much less survived the fall. After two weeks in a coma and six surgeries, I woke up to find my life completely changed forever.
After a couple of hours of being awake, I finally asked my mom what happened. My fiancé walked out of the room. My mom proceeded to tell me that I fell off the roof of my work. I felt my eyes open wide and all of the blood leave my face. I can only imagine the look my mom saw as I laid there with my right leg in a cast, my left elbow in a cast, my left foot in a brace, feeding tube in my nose, and a tube in my trachea. After 36 excruciating days in the MUSC Surgical Trauma ICU, I was finally well enough to move to the step down unit. 12 days later, I finally got to go home only being allowed to use one of my four extremities.
For the next 3 months, I was in and out of rehab and started back at work. In April, my now really good friend and physical therapist got me walking. When I first went to see him, I was in a wheelchair and he evaluated me. He said, “I want to get you walking with a walker and then get you using a cane soon.” I thought he was crazy and that was not going to happen for awhile. Two weeks after, I started walking without a walker. The next few months were a physical battle. What I did not realize, the whole time I was trying to make it back physically and career wise, I let my mental health fall by the waist side. On March 2nd, I had another mental breakdown. My worst fear was realized—it was not the meds that made me attempt suicide on October 10th…It was me.
I standby the fact that I was on medication and doctors will tell you that it had an effect. However, its taken me two and a half years to accept that fact that the thought of suicide was there. Even though I did not plan to do it, I knew how I would if I was ever going to do it. No one is to blame but myself. That’s the healthiest thing I think I can say. Blaming others was never my stance. I knew it was something I did, I just struggled to admit to myself how much I was responsible.
On March 26th 2023, after waking up at 5:30 am, I sat on my bed and this idea popped into my head. There are all of these amazing foundations and charities for suicide prevention as well as life after completed suicide for families affected. But what about those that are fortunate enough not to complete their suicide and live their life? Do you just attempt suicide and then go back to acting like things are normal and nothing happened? Sometimes. But sometimes it happens again. Sometimes, as with my situation, the fight of your life follows. So what about a foundation that helps those who do not complete their attempt?
No matter how bad the outcome, those people are alive and they need help. Do they have physical complications? Do they still want to attempt suicide? What about their work life? If they get help, are they going to lose their job? Are they going to be able to pay their bills? (Little tid bit on that point—after waking up from a coma, in the hospital, body in shambles, after realizing the date I woke up was the 30th, I wrote on my white board that I needed to pay the mortgage.) So many things went through my head after waking up, one of the last things was how lucky I was and how I needed to focus on myself for a little while.
Why is it called the Comeback Story of Lifetime Foundation?
My all time favorite band is Kings of Leon. My brother Brian introduced me to the band and it was always one thing my brothers and I could connect on no matter what. When I first met my future fiancé, she told me she was going to see Kings of Leon and had to get back to Charlotte after her work event. I asked her what her favorite song was and joked that it was something generic like “Use Somebody” or “Sex on Fire” like everyone says when they claim they’re “fans.” She said, “No it’s Pyro.” I almost got down on one knee right there. Fast forward to when I was in a coma, the doctors told my mom and fiancé that music helps. They played my two favorite songs on repeat (I do not even know how many times). Pretty sure they are both sick of Kings of Leon at this point. Kings of Leon did not bring me out of a coma but whenever I hear Fans or Ragoo, my heart starts pounding and I get chills, so I think it had some affect. The main reason for the title is because I was driving over the Charleston Bridge heading to work and “Comeback Story” came on Spotify. I had never really listened to the lyrics, but the line that stuck with me is “It’s a comeback story of lifetime.” Not only that, but Caleb starts out by saying “Picking up the pieces of the world I know.” I realized for the past two and half years I’ve been picking up the pieces, and this is the the comeback story of my lifetime. Our mission is to hopefully help others with their comeback story. As Caleb sings “I’ll walk a mile in your shoes…,” I have walked a mile in others who have attempted suicide’s shoes, and those before me walked in them before I did.
My hope is to help others realize that they are not alone in their comeback story. I was not alone, but I did not have someone who had really been in my shoes. Plenty of people have completed suicide but I’ve never really talked to anyone that had an incomplete attempt and I could ask about the fight that followed. With this foundation, I want to give others someone to talk to and someone with whom to fight the fight.
